My Valentine Love

I really like words. I like to take words literally, to use them well, to read them, digest them, meditate on them. I don't like to waste them or abuse them. I'm not a "words of affirmation" love language because I think words are too freely given, too easily faked. I'm the kind of person who won't let the words "I love you," become the phrase you end every conversation with, because then it's really not left with any more significance than "goodbye."

So, I'm surprising even myself with how liberally I tell Angie I love her, and how much it means to me to hear it from her in English, Spanish, writing, repetitively, after a fight, before tucking her in, in the morning, on the way to school, anytime we feel it, and especially when we don't. Because the home we're building is not a family where special words must be saved for special occasions, but one where Ange feels safe from physical danger, secure to be whoever she wants to be, and loved unconditionally, and forever.

I've never doubted the idea to bring this Angel into my life was from God, but I do sometimes wonder if when I explain why I did it with the response "God asked me to," if I sound like I might be carrying a bomb or a box cutter.

Every day I grow more sure that God's planned our family from long long ago. This week I heard a sermon by Erwin McManus that confirmed my call in yet another way.

"If you don’t have a dream inside of you that is terrifying to you, that is bigger than you, that is inconveniencing to life as you have designed it, I don’t know if you have a dream that has come from God..."

"The dream that God has for us, often times, at first, feels like a nightmare. I think what we don’t realize is the dream isn’t for us. The dream that God gives us usually thrusts our life to become a life for others. It was Mary that God chose to be a single mom."

I remember leaving the lawyer's office after my first consultation about whether I was eligible to adopt, learning that I was, reminding myself to breathe. I remember trying not to hyperventilate in front of the judge when he told me that I'd have my daughter within a week. Repeating to myself, ""They need to think you're stable..."

This first Valentine's Day with the love of my life, I'm so glad God let me be a part of this. This morning she told me that when she's at school, she feels like I'm lonely at work without her and that makes her sad. How did we ever live without each other?

"I don’t want to ask you how big of a dream are you willing to carry in your heart but how big of a cost are you willing to carry with your life to bring that dream to pass?"

Second Grade Watch Out!

The cutest plaid-skirted 8-year-old just hit the doors of St. Thomas Aquinas, and it'll never be the same again.

Today, was Ange's first day of second grade, first day at a new school where she knew not a single soul, and first day for me as a soccer-mom (no soccer involved, but a lot of dropping off, and picking up in a large SUV.) A bit of anxiety, as to be expected, was had all around.

The little nervous one, did great, nothing to worry about. She made friends, had fun, surely impressed everyone with her gorgeous smile. I, on the other hand, struggled. No, I didn't cry when I dropped her off, or call the school throughout the day to check on her, but I did fail to understand really how this whole school thing works. When I got there to pick her up she told me she'd come out to look for me a lot. Turns out, the other parents came to eat lunch with their kids, or at least sent them with lunch money, I was totally convinced this was covered in her tuition, and had no idea eating lunch with them was an option. Let's not even get started about snacks for recess or covering the books. Seriously, a parent orientation of some sort would have been nice.

But all in all, her teachers are sweet, I think I've convinced them I have no idea what I'm doing and, with luck, they'll start treating me as such. And hopefully Angie's reputation won't be blemished by having the palest, most confused, worst Spanish-speaking mom in the class. Maybe I'll send her with some cupcakes to redeem myself...

I know she had a full day because, for the first time, I carried my sleeping little Angel in from the car tonight after prayer group. Love being a mommy.

Sweetest Sounds in the World

You may have your own ideas of what the world's most wonderful sounds are, but chances are you're wrong, unless you've included in your top three - Angelica's laugh. It's completely amazing, infectious, and irresistible. It's my kryptonite, and I have no idea how to be stern with her when she giggles. Today marks one month together for Angie and me! So maybe the honeymoon ended at about day 12, and she now says "no" sometimes, but that doesn't mean we're having any less fun.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, the start of her classes has been delayed by a week. So, Ange and I have had even more uninterrupted bonding time. We've been together 24/7 since January 3rd, until Tuesday when I left her to go play with the kiddos of Cristo Viene girls home while I spent the day at the office. Who knew I was gonna be just as sentimental as every other mom on the planet? I, for one, did not. She held it together well as I dropped her off with Adreana, my friend and volunteer for CV, I may have been a bit clingy, but there were no tears, and I only called once to check on her.

So you're surely dying to hear what the other greatest sounds in the world are. You may remember I've been a bit hesitant about teaching her English, and when she whines "Pleeeeeease," it doesn't really endear me to her more. However, second best sound in the world is probably her precious little voice saying "I love you," and my goodness are her spontaneous hugs awesome.

At Talita Cumi, the orphanage where we met, the volunteers are referred to by the children as aunts and uncles (in Spanish tias and tios). Some of you know, that's what she's continued to call me automatically, and I've heard this is not an uncommon problem with kids that get adopted by volunteers. I didn't want to correct her, because up until a year ago she had a mom and a dad, and I was hoping for a natural transition. So I waited. On Sunday in church, she made me the cutest little glittery card, with the worst spelling, but with the words mamá and mami. She then wrote a note on my arm testing out the words further. This week she's been referring to me as mama when she talks to my parents via Skype or to God in prayer. She also kicked me out of my room to decorate the walls with these little hearts she had made that say, “Mamá, te quiero mucho mami, eres mi mami,” in English "Mom, I love you very much, you're my mommy."* And this morning, she did it! Almost as naturally as she used to call me "tia," she said "Mami." Sweetest sound in the world and best anniversary present ever!!!

*The yellow post-its on the wall say "wall" and "bedroom", we're practicing our English.

Apolo Aventuras

That's Spanish for "maybe I wouldn't recommend visiting Apolo during the rainy season."

Some of you will remember the lovely little town of Apolo that I shared with you last May, home to my dear friend and fellow veterinary missionary, Linda. Taking advantage of my time between semesters and Angelica's last little bit of summer vacation, we took a series of three buses over 36 hours to get there from Santa Cruz. In Cochabamba we picked up our CVM extern, Starke. Using 6 weeks of his last year of veterinary school, he visited Santa Cruz to see what we do, Cochabamba to work on his Spanish, and now Apolo to see how another veterinary missionary is living.

So, we showed him that not every day is full of working on animals. Some are spent finalizing the year's budget, some traveling between projects in the mud, some waiting for the farmers to show up, some following-up on the previous day's cases, some days off visiting spectacular waterfalls (see the pics on FB), some teaching externs about serving full-time in Bolivia, and others, of course, spaying and neutering the local canine population.

When we'd finally accomplished all these things, it was time to say goodbye to Ange's new playmates the Lugtigheid kiddos and sweet little Apolo once again, where life is simpler, the water and power are both likely to go out at least once if you stay a week, and ~12 people gather around the surgery, I mean kitchen table three times a day to share a meal.

So, we boarded the bus back to Santa Cruz via La Paz and Cochabamba. In the middle of the night, halfway back on our first leg to La Paz we stopped. The rains that sometimes cause landslides, and wash out roads, had this time created an impassable waterfall across our path, showering down not only voluminous water but also large threatening rocks. Our driver decided to wait till the water level receded, but the continued rains meant rising water levels, and led to a wait, without food, shelter, cellphone signal or bathrooms for 36 hours, making our supposed 12 hour trip into exactly 48 hours of balancing between dehydration and hydronephrosis.

But despite the mud stains we'll be working out of our clothes for weeks, the boots that have yet to dry out, and the 2 days and 3 nights in a row spent on a bus with an 8-year-old, Apolo will always be the place Angie learned to ride a bike, and I think in her opinion, that made every second on that bus worthwhile.

World Travelers

If you’re ever thinking your Spanish is getting pretty good you should pay people to remind you over and over again of just how many mistakes you’re still making. So, that’s exactly what I’ve been up to for the past week.

I took A on her first bus ride for her first adventure outside of Santa Cruz to the booming mountain metropolis of Cochabamba to revisit my old language school for some brushing up.

Traveling with Ange means sharing a bed and hence getting kicked throughout the night by little feet dreaming of futból, but in the daytime it means constantly having a sweet sticky hand in mine as we explore new unknown places. So new, in fact, that she said to me the other day as we waited to buy tickets for something, “In Bolivia we don’t have lines like this.” “Huh? Honey, we are in Bolivia, Cochabamba is another city in Bolivia, like Santa Cruz.”

Angelica 1 and Angelica 2. Ange finally met her namesake, my lovely language teacher.

Telling her this statue is the tallest Christ in the world didn't really mean much to her since her world still only consisted of two cities (or countries, whatever.) We came back to Santa Cruz yesterday morning for our Vineyard church national conference this weekend, and to enroll her in school tomorrow morning. Then we'll head back on the road to Apolo, which might as well be another continent it's so far away, even though it's really still in Bolivia. We'll, of course, keep you posted on all our adventures.

Update on motherhood, for those of you who are curious: We've been together two weeks now, pretty much 24/day since she's on summer vacation. I've yet to need to discipline her, but just yesterday she started to finally get her own will a bit. My friend, another adoptive parent, says that's a good thing, it means she's feeling more comfortable, but it's not quite as easy as when she happily complied with everything I said. On top of that she's already using the English I'm teaching her against me. He new favorite word when she wants to do something is "pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease." Since it's also really nice to be able to talk to the adults in our own secret language, I'm starting to reconsider this whole English thing...

Mis Hijas

Usually, when a new child comes into a household the pets take a backseat in the family hierarchy. However, in our little family tree my puppy dog Ruby's importance, if anything, has been elevated. Maybe she can't play Barbies very well with her sister, but they still have so much in common.

Their personalities are remarkably similar. If Ruby could smile she would surely smile as huge and as often as Ange, and I think, like the two of us, she would probably have dimples. They are both always so playful, full of joy and live completely in the present. Neither of them has ever asked me what's gonna happen next, or where we're going. In life, like in the car, they're just enjoying the ride, a lesson I could definitely learn from.

All three of us are animal lovers. Puppies and kittens being high on all our lists, but high on Ruby's list for more mouthwatering reasons.

Ruby and Angie are both calm easy-going girls, but if tested, their energy levels could blow mine away any day. However, only once so far, have I had to employ the motherly ¨resting my eyes.¨ Each of them lights up like a Christmas tree in response to any affection. And they both know exactly how to use their puppy dog eyes

to win me over every time. I wonder if Ruby taught Ange that one.

Oh my goodness, they both have so much hair. Relatively, everyone does compared to me, but I think these girls must be in the top 5th percentile.

They both love to please their momma, but only one of them I have yet to discipline or even need a stern word for, because she's never chased a cat, or eaten someone else's food, or disobeyed me in the slightest. I sure hope Angelica starts rubbing off on her sister in this area.

This motherhood thing is so much fun! When's it gonna start getting hard? (Rhetorical question, don't answer that.)

Final Stop

If you look closely at the "Team Spears" family Christmas photo here, you'll see that two of the lovely ladies are wearing their Talita Cumi scarves made especially for them by the newest granddaughter, Angie. This pretty well represents my time in the US over the past two weeks, sharing photos, gifts, and stories of my new daughter. I often found myself wondering what the visit would have been like without such news, I'm guessing a lot less interesting and a lot less glowing, as that's what I seem to do when I talk about her.

But I wasn't the only one glowing on the KY/IN stop of my whirlwind tour. Last Thursday, one of my favorite people in the world, Ashley Brown became Mrs. Giles. It was a beautiful couple of days of reuniting with old friends, and meeting new Texans, from the groom's side. It's been just a bit difficult to allow so many friends this past year+ while I've been away, meet and marry people I know nothing of, but to my huge relief, I was very approving of Mark, Ash's new hubby. It was such a treat to be included in their three days of festivities, and get to know who I'm releasing her to, just a little better.

The three days included the traditional rehearsal and wedding, plus their unique spin on how to spend a little extra face time with the out-of-towners; a New Year's Eve party, complete with all the reception leftoves, even wedding cake from the Homemade Ice Cream and Pie Kitchen!! To make room for a little extra red velvet with cream cheese icing, a few of us took one last charming walk of the year along the waterfront. I was not as excited about the unseasonably warm weather as everyone else since I was savoring every sweet minute of cold, but I totally appreciated Louisville's beautiful familiar skyline. How many places is it really possible to consider "home"? MD, DC, CO, KY, IN and all my beloved friends and family in each; I'll miss you, but fortunately I doubt I'll have much time to dwell as I start a new chapter of my life tomorrow when I arrive in Santa Cruz and pick up Angelica. Your prayers would be lovely.

"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country..." -Hebrews 11:8-9