Not as Strong as I Thought

On June 15th, I woke up celebrating Angie's 17th birthday the exact same way I celebrated her 12th in 2014 and 14th in 2016, by peeing on a stick. I'll never again have the secret joy of finding out we're giving Angie a baby sibling on her birthday. I may be the only person ever to learn of all three of my bio babies on the birthday of my adopted daughter...
If we had planned it that way I doubt we could have ever pulled it off. But instead we tried for a combined 26 months for these precious little ones, so we definitely weren't aiming for three February birthdays. God's timing is sweet.

After waiting so long for this one, I was obviously thrilled with the positive result on the stick that morning. When we made the choice to go for one more, or let's be honest -- try for a girl -- it made so much sense. Well, at least some sense. But then, days after the exciting news, I started thinking to myself, "What have we done?!" With only 2 years between Isaiah and Paul, we barely had time to sleep through the night once, let alone get any of our "lives" back. With three years between Paul and this next one though, Jon and I were finishing up a season of co-ed volleyball, playing in a mixed doubles tennis tournament together, we were going out more easily, I was starting to travel without a sidekick... Now, we will be resetting the clock, and the way we attachment parent means we will be giving these things up again for years. 

All these thoughts combined with the first trimester awfulness, Paul's 2 year-old wild/stubbornness, Isaiah's 4 year-old whininess, and Angie's 17 year-old confusion about life, was enough to send me back into the downward spiral I was in a couple years ago, when I penned One Scared Mama. 

We praised the Lord when we found out we were finally giving the kids a Baby Sister, making all this crazy somehow worth it. But God wasn't finished teaching me lessons through this. 

Last November, when Christian Veterinary Mission staff chose, "Be Strong and Courageous," from Joshua 1:9 as our theme for this year, I'm gonna be honest, I was kinda disappointed. If you know me well, you know fear isn't a huge issue for me (snakes and Escape Rooms notwithstanding). And if you knew my Enneagram type you'd know we're not referred to as snow plows for nothing. Paulie doesn't get his bulldozer personality from the mailman; we're strong. So, what was I gonna do for a year while we focused on a command to "not be afraid"?  Got it, let's move on. 

(It sounds like I'm bragging here, but I'm really just setting this up to show you what an idiot I am.) 

As I studied the book of Joshua preparing to write and share about it, I saw that the lines that are repeated throughout Joshua 1 are "Be Strong and Courageous," and "For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I started to tell vets and students that our strength and courage must come from knowing God is with us, or it will never last. And I think God thought that was cute. I'm glad I can give Him a good chuckle sometimes. 

So, as I leaned on my own strength and courage while telling others not to, maybe God thought to Himself, "What if I teach Lauren the lesson she's teaching others." Then, with a trifecta that would be hard for anyone but God to handle, He brought me to my knees. 

1) Impending Kiddo #4 coming one month shy of my 40th birthday! 

2) Starting to homeschool Isaiah this fall with Paul and Baby Girl not far behind. 

3) CVM asked me to continue my busy role as their Southeast Region Rep AND take on the added responsibilities of CVM's US Ministry Director position as well. 

Okay, God, you've got my attention. My ignorance in any one of these three new challenges makes them daunting enough, but facing them all at the same time has me uncharacteristically afraid.

So, when all my rational courage is stripped away, and fear threatens to consume me, I lean into God trusting He is with me just like He was last time and will be next time. Because I'm uncharacteristically afraid, I'm also entering all three of these situations with an uncharacteristic humility. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to depend on God for my strength and courage instead of myself. 

I can put a positive spin on it now, but a couple weeks ago I was driving home from Tuskegee University at about 2am. It was my 3rd of 6 weeks of travel, and thinking about adding responsibilities during this season had me overwhelmed. I was emotionally telling God that I can’t do all of this well. And looking up into the dark above the expressway I asked Him if He could.

Right then, a shooting star fell through the sky in the center of my view reminding me that the Lord my God will be with me wherever I go. And that's where my courage comes from.

For anyone who likes 3D Ultrasound pics, here's our first one. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. 
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9

An Easter Basket Without a Bow

For the past 5 years, another family and ours have tried to reach out to our neighbors through a neighborhood Easter egg hunt. The idea has never really taken off like we'd hoped, but by the time the following year rolls around we have forgotten the low turnout from the year before and we jump in with fresh optimism (kinda like having a baby). This year, we were particularly confident as Easter was so late in the spring that it was bound to be warm...(insert ominous foreshadowing here.)

So, on a couple sunny evenings leading up to the big day, we canvased the neighborhood and passed out about a dozen flyers to families with kids, both those we knew and those we hoped to know soon through our Easter party. We posted on the Nextdoor neighborhood app, and strangers forwarded the event on to other strangers. We sent texts, created a Facebook event, and told friends to invite friends.

Then we prepared. We weeded, mulched, fertilized, planted, trimmed, and generally beautified the yard. We cleaned the inside of the house. We bought hundreds of eggs and stuffed them with all sorts of goodness. We bought hotdogs, buns, and lemonade, we made Resurrection Rolls. And then we waited. 

Well, in full disclosure, I should add that I also fretted. Most of you heard me worrying over the forecast for the whole week leading up to the event. You were likely an unfortunate, possibly unwilling, participant in my deliberation over whether to reschedule, but there was no good solution. So, I just prayed that the meteorologists were wrong and God would shift the expected beautiful Sunday weather a day earlier for our event, all the while feeling ridiculous for praying for weather. But, we were trying to love our neighbors, exactly what Jesus had told us to do, why wouldn't God want to bless our efforts. 

Alas, I woke up to this forecast for our 10:30am hunt, and my mood became as dreary as this screenshot.

A friend had posted on Facebook that the two cold gloomy days leading up to the gloriously warm and sunny Resurrection Day were appropriate. Yes, appropriate for God's subtle artistry maybe, but not appropriate for a community outreach in your yard!

So, to make a long story a tad shorter, the only family, out of the dozens we invited, who showed up to gather eggs in the freezing rain was the other family who co-hosts with us. Bless them!

We had a lovely time catching up with them, and their oldest daughter even said that she likes Easter egg hunts in the rain best, because she got more candy! But it was hugely disappointing and frustrating. It was our annual attempt to meet new neighbors and reconnect with old ones, and it had failed. 

I found myself doubting. Not that God existed, but that He cares about our details and our plans. And then I felt ridiculous again thinking of my friends who just lost their daughter and how they continued to praise God and call Him good. 

If you've read any of my previous posts, you're likely waiting for the happy ending, or the lesson I learned. But there's not one this time. Pastor Jim Burgen says to share your stories before they have bows on them. So, I'm trying it out. There's no bow on this one. And there's no bow on a lot of your stories yet either. But God is still good. Today, we found out that for the 12th cycle in a row, we won't be expecting the little baby our family has decided we would so love to bring into the world. But He is still good. 

And tonight at church, I thought of the disciples in that room on Saturday night. Dumbfounded, frustrated, disappointed, shaken to the core by the changes that had happened since Thursday. There was no bow on their story yet. But Sunday was coming. 

Friends, even if you don't have a bow on your story, even if we never get the bow that we're waiting for, longing for, convinced that we need... God is still good, and Sunday's still coming. 

The tomb is empty, friends. And so yummy!

"Do not be afraid; for I know that you are looking for Jesus who has been crucified. He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said. Come, 

see the place where He was lying. Go quickly and tell His disciples that 

He has risen from the dead;" -Matthew 28:5-7

The Prayers of Babes

The boys have started praying more regularly and I just can't handle it.

Each time they talk to God, unless it's about Paw Patrol, my heart nearly explodes with pride, tempered by mild conviction that my own prayer life isn't as strong as a 2 or 4 year-old's. They're keeping me humble and teaching me to pray with the faith of a child. 

At Grandma's house a couple weeks ago, we asked Isaiah if he wanted to say grace before dinner. He agreed, we bowed our heads, and his prayer was pretty much over before we'd shut our eyes: "Dear God, thank you for you. Amen"

I jumped in before anyone started to eat, "Uh, don't you want to thank Him for the food, or anyone else, or... Never mind, that's profound. Wow. That's deep, Buddy!" Why do I pray so many words? "Thank you God for you," about sums it all up.

At bedtime, I usually take Paul, and Jon puts Isaiah down. One evening, I held Paul's hand and thanked God for him, praying that he might grow in stature and in favor with God and man, then I let go. He quickly re-grabbed my hand, closed his eyes and said, "'Zaiah!" So, as my heart melted, I prayed for his brother. Then, he said, "Angie!", so I prayed for his sister. Finally, he exclaimed "Dada!" So, I prayed for Daddy. Now, each night, he makes sure I pray for all of them. 

Today, we were reading the story of Zacchaeus. When we got to the part about Zacchaeus not having any friends because he stole everyone's money when he was collecting taxes, Isaiah interrupted me and said we should pray for him to be nice. So we did. And you know what God answered that prayer, Zacchaeus turned nice just a few sentences later!

At a stoplight this afternoon on the way to Angie's tennis match, I said to the boys, "Sorry, this light is taking forever!" Isaiah responded, "Dear God, please help the light turn green." And just like that, it did! He asked who makes the lights turn colors and we talked about the computer system, so he knows God isn't a genie who grants your every wish, but I sure do love that he can connect his requests with answers and believe in the power of prayer at such a young age.

Last night, Isaiah had a terrible nightmare. He woke up this morning still talking about it. At one point he said, "Mommy, tonight we should pray that we don't have any bad dreams come into our beds." I agreed that was an excellent idea and asked him to help me or Daddy remember. A few minutes later, he continued, "Actually, we don't have to wait till tonight, we can ask God right now!" Buddy, you are so wise. So, we did. Why wait to talk to God later when you can talk to Him right now. 

I do not take these moments for granted...

Stay tuned for more lessons on seamlessly communicating with God from my budding prayer warriors. They're teaching me so much.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

4 Years of Isaiah!

This birthday, was the first time Isaiah was truly aware of all that birthdays entail. Last year, we got away with telling people "No gifts please" at his party. This year, he is obsessed with TOYS! He had special cake requests and asked for all things Paw Patrol! Having his brother's birthday 10 days before his was nearly unbearable for him, so we spread out the birthday present fun by letting them unwrap something every day between their birthdays. Thank you, family and friends, who sent and brought gifts to lengthen their celebration and Birthday Season! It's been a super exciting month.

It's funny how much more likeable some ages are than others. Isaiah's been in a bit of a tantrum stage for... how many years has it been now? I've lost count. But although he still threatens to punch you if you do something he dislikes, he seems to be coming out the other side of the Tantrumy Twos and Threes fairly unfazed, right as his brother is heading in. Praise the Lord for recognizing my limitations as a mother to whiny toddler boys and alternating their moodiness.

I often hear it said that the things that drive you craziest in other people are usually the flaws you recognize in yourself. I suppose this is fairly universal or people wouldn't keep repeating it, but it doesn't really resonate with me. What drives me a bit nutty about Isaiah is his unhurried pace and contentment with his current situation. Do you like how I put a positive spin on his meandering, unmotivated approach to life? I don't think many people would accuse me of having a lack of drive or energy, he's definitely not my mini-me like his brother.

But where Isaiah's personality is a bit slow, his mind is not. Watching him learn is my favorite thing. When he reads a book on his own, or asks for another Bible story, it literally makes my day. Listening to him make up songs is music to my ears, even if the songs leave something to be desired in the music department. When he enchants adults with his conversation skills, it's just too much! And when he prays out loud, it melts this mama's heart.

Some nights, when I carry him to his bed after he falls asleep, I struggle to lift his solid 40 pounds of adorableness. Putting him down is almost as difficult, knowing that these cuddly days are short-lived. I drink in his sweet soft smell and steal a kiss before tucking him in.

I would be more reluctant to let him grow up if he weren't growing into such a smart, funny, handsome, entertaining, little boy. Now, I pray that we can also teach him to be kind, the most important trait of all... 

How many Paw Patrol toys (and a dinosaur) does it take to help blow out 4 candles?

Cute brother hugs in our house are almost always the result of an offense that required an apology.

Sneaky guy found a way to be almost as tall as Angie. (Note the coffee table underneath him.)

Giving up traditional naps means stealing some non-traditional ones.

We should probably set a goal for him to stop sucking his thumb. Is 10 years-old good?

Paul and the Tremendous Twos!

I don't want to condemn Paul's next year by calling it the Terrible Twos, but at the same time I'm not quite optimistic enough to go with Terrific either. I thought Tremendous sounded about perfect, as he is bound to continue to do everything with huge emotions, hopefully more often with enthusiasm than angst, but he is getting better at lying down on the floor as he masters the classic temper tantrum. Where it was clearly innate with Isaiah, it appears to be more of a learned behavior for Paul as he struggles to get the steps right for how to be convincing in his fits of anger.

We took Paulie into our beloved pediatrician today for his 2-year checkup and discovered that while his speech and hair growth are a bit behind for his age, his growth, potty-training, and motor skills are right on track or ahead. He weighed in at 30 pounds even, which is exactly the same weight as Isaiah at his 2-year checkup! He's just about 3 feet tall and his head is just as big as it looks!

I regularly tell Paul that he's my hero. This kid is pretty much everything I want to be when I grow up. It took me until just about now to figure out what it is that he has that I admire so. It's initiative! If initiative is seeing what needs to be done and doing it, this guy has got it coming out of his ears. It's both impressing and blessing my socks off! Although he can't communicate with us well yet, he is constantly listening, picking up on what we are saying, and taking action! If anyone gets hurt, including himself, he makes a beeline for the freezer to get an icepack. If we even mention the word haircut, he races upstairs to retrieve the haircutting toolbox! Need a drink, ice, a fork, socks, shoes, a stool, nail clippers? Just say the word and he's off on a mission. I pray this plays out as internal motivation, drive, and getting things done without procrastinating as he matures. 

His allergies are doing amazing! As far as we can tell, they're all cleared up, but we haven't quite made the full switch to Cow's Milk. He seems to be self-regulating and taking dairy slowly, still hesitating on pizza, lasagna and such, but his first taste of Cheetos was a complete success:

"Mom, where have these been all my life?!?"

 

Donut hole powdered sugar.

His smile slays me!

Helping serve at Southeast Christian Church

I pray with him most nights as I snuggle him to sleep that he will grow in wisdom, stature, and favor with God and man. (Luke 2:52) I should probably start praying that his hair will fill in, but even if it never does he's pretty much perfect in my book. It's such an honor and a privilege to be his mommy, I can't wait to see what God has in store for him in the coming years...