The Illusion

I read an article recently about how Facebook paints bright, shiny, happy images of everyone's lives. Or more accurately how we paint ourselves this way by posting only the best angles, and de-tagging the less flattering, not only of photos, but of the account we share of our journey. I felt convicted, not because I've air-brushed in smiles or exaggerated adventures of our story, but because I haven't divulged the hairier moments. Partly because who really wants to read the negative stuff and who takes pictures when life is boring, but also because I probably do feel I have something to prove to those skeptics that didn't think this adopting as a single mom thing was a good idea, because it really really was! ;)

For raw honesty's sake, I'll admit that we may be going through a "testing mommy's limits" phase, but I'm pretty sure we're on the way out of it, and I'm fairly sure I caused it by being possibly a bit permissive the first couple weeks with my angel. So, I'm learning how to be firm and sort of how to discipline, or at least how to threaten discipline strongly. And she's learning when to obey, and maybe with practice on both our parts, it will someday consistently be at the first request.

One of our biggest struggles, I've recently recognized (and I think recognizing might be half the battle), is that I am a morning person and she, to put it mildly, is NOT. Which means in the morning she is a bit of a bear, and ridiculously unhurried, but in the afternoon when I'm on the slower side, she is wound up. Until it comes to homework time of course, at which point she becomes very unhurried again. To add to this, these little mini-people are very inefficient which, as some of you may know, complements my own personality interestingly.

School has been a learning curve for us both as well. Not only did I decide to adopt as a first-time single mom, an 8 year-old instead of a baby, but I decided to do it in Spanish, and in a very different culture. Maybe those skeptics were onto something... Everyday when I pick the munchkin up from school she tells me she needs money for something else that I may or may not understand; more books or school supplies that weren't on the original list, her white uniform that she stains EVERY day, or now her ballet suit for her mandatory ballet class. "Isn't it pretty?" she asks me, yes, but $40-pretty?!

So, God is teaching us both a lot. Unfortunately, I'm afraid we both still have a lot to learn, so this process, with its growing pains, might take awhile. In the meantime a little voice calls "Mami, Mami, Mami," all day every 20 seconds or so, as if seeking reassurance that through thick and thin I'm not going anywhere. I better go convince her with a giant hug and maybe some tickling.

I feel I owe you an apology

For the time I saw the woman in Wal-mart, with the frazzled hair, yelling at three kids climbing in and out of her cart, and I thought "how provincial" (in a Belle from Beauty and the Beast sort of way, where one's life consists only of their narrow unsophisticated view from their kitchen window.) I'm sorry, I have little to no control over my child and the grocery cart either.

For every time I saw your family of 5+ children and thought "don't they know there are ways to prevent that." I'm sorry, I rarely see kids that need a home now without thinking about expanding our little family.

For each time you parents had to leave the event at 8:30pm and I didn't understand why your kids couldn't stay up till 11 just one school night. I owe you an apology, you were right, they can't stay up till 11.

When I thought "can't they just get a babysitter?" When I resented the hassle of what to do with the children during home group, or the burden of trying to staff children's church. I'm sorry, it's all making more sense now.

To those of you who declined invitations to social or service events because you needed to spend time with your family, and I thought "don't you see them all the time?" I'm sorry, there is a difference between sharing a house and quality time.

For the nights I thought you were a little obsessive about bedtime when you left somewhere early to tuck your kids in. I'm sorry, I haven't missed a night of kissing her on the forehead yet.

For the moms who make a huge deal about your first night away from your little one, I'm sorry I thought you were overreacting, I don't look forward to trying to sleep without Ange within earshot.

For the times I read in the Bible that children are a reward from the Lord, and questioned His sanity, I'm sorry Lord, I don't doubt you anymore.

Because carrying her in from the car and tucking her into her bed, is the sweetest way to end a long day. Because watching a movie with her hiding her face in my hands during the scary or romantic parts is the best way to watch a movie. Because an evening of Connect Four on the couch, with her cheating, and laughing hysterically might just be the best way to spend an evening.

On Sunday, she tried to give Baby Jaqueline (this 9 pound 1-year old pictured below) one of her Barbies, her handheld pinball machine and a necklace for her birthday, because she might just be the most generous little beauty ever! (We ended up compromising by wrapping José her stuffed yellow dog.)

"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!"

-Psalm 127:3-5

My Valentine Love

I really like words. I like to take words literally, to use them well, to read them, digest them, meditate on them. I don't like to waste them or abuse them. I'm not a "words of affirmation" love language because I think words are too freely given, too easily faked. I'm the kind of person who won't let the words "I love you," become the phrase you end every conversation with, because then it's really not left with any more significance than "goodbye."

So, I'm surprising even myself with how liberally I tell Angie I love her, and how much it means to me to hear it from her in English, Spanish, writing, repetitively, after a fight, before tucking her in, in the morning, on the way to school, anytime we feel it, and especially when we don't. Because the home we're building is not a family where special words must be saved for special occasions, but one where Ange feels safe from physical danger, secure to be whoever she wants to be, and loved unconditionally, and forever.

I've never doubted the idea to bring this Angel into my life was from God, but I do sometimes wonder if when I explain why I did it with the response "God asked me to," if I sound like I might be carrying a bomb or a box cutter.

Every day I grow more sure that God's planned our family from long long ago. This week I heard a sermon by Erwin McManus that confirmed my call in yet another way.

"If you don’t have a dream inside of you that is terrifying to you, that is bigger than you, that is inconveniencing to life as you have designed it, I don’t know if you have a dream that has come from God..."

"The dream that God has for us, often times, at first, feels like a nightmare. I think what we don’t realize is the dream isn’t for us. The dream that God gives us usually thrusts our life to become a life for others. It was Mary that God chose to be a single mom."

I remember leaving the lawyer's office after my first consultation about whether I was eligible to adopt, learning that I was, reminding myself to breathe. I remember trying not to hyperventilate in front of the judge when he told me that I'd have my daughter within a week. Repeating to myself, ""They need to think you're stable..."

This first Valentine's Day with the love of my life, I'm so glad God let me be a part of this. This morning she told me that when she's at school, she feels like I'm lonely at work without her and that makes her sad. How did we ever live without each other?

"I don’t want to ask you how big of a dream are you willing to carry in your heart but how big of a cost are you willing to carry with your life to bring that dream to pass?"

Second Grade Watch Out!

The cutest plaid-skirted 8-year-old just hit the doors of St. Thomas Aquinas, and it'll never be the same again.

Today, was Ange's first day of second grade, first day at a new school where she knew not a single soul, and first day for me as a soccer-mom (no soccer involved, but a lot of dropping off, and picking up in a large SUV.) A bit of anxiety, as to be expected, was had all around.

The little nervous one, did great, nothing to worry about. She made friends, had fun, surely impressed everyone with her gorgeous smile. I, on the other hand, struggled. No, I didn't cry when I dropped her off, or call the school throughout the day to check on her, but I did fail to understand really how this whole school thing works. When I got there to pick her up she told me she'd come out to look for me a lot. Turns out, the other parents came to eat lunch with their kids, or at least sent them with lunch money, I was totally convinced this was covered in her tuition, and had no idea eating lunch with them was an option. Let's not even get started about snacks for recess or covering the books. Seriously, a parent orientation of some sort would have been nice.

But all in all, her teachers are sweet, I think I've convinced them I have no idea what I'm doing and, with luck, they'll start treating me as such. And hopefully Angie's reputation won't be blemished by having the palest, most confused, worst Spanish-speaking mom in the class. Maybe I'll send her with some cupcakes to redeem myself...

I know she had a full day because, for the first time, I carried my sleeping little Angel in from the car tonight after prayer group. Love being a mommy.

Sweetest Sounds in the World

You may have your own ideas of what the world's most wonderful sounds are, but chances are you're wrong, unless you've included in your top three - Angelica's laugh. It's completely amazing, infectious, and irresistible. It's my kryptonite, and I have no idea how to be stern with her when she giggles. Today marks one month together for Angie and me! So maybe the honeymoon ended at about day 12, and she now says "no" sometimes, but that doesn't mean we're having any less fun.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, the start of her classes has been delayed by a week. So, Ange and I have had even more uninterrupted bonding time. We've been together 24/7 since January 3rd, until Tuesday when I left her to go play with the kiddos of Cristo Viene girls home while I spent the day at the office. Who knew I was gonna be just as sentimental as every other mom on the planet? I, for one, did not. She held it together well as I dropped her off with Adreana, my friend and volunteer for CV, I may have been a bit clingy, but there were no tears, and I only called once to check on her.

So you're surely dying to hear what the other greatest sounds in the world are. You may remember I've been a bit hesitant about teaching her English, and when she whines "Pleeeeeease," it doesn't really endear me to her more. However, second best sound in the world is probably her precious little voice saying "I love you," and my goodness are her spontaneous hugs awesome.

At Talita Cumi, the orphanage where we met, the volunteers are referred to by the children as aunts and uncles (in Spanish tias and tios). Some of you know, that's what she's continued to call me automatically, and I've heard this is not an uncommon problem with kids that get adopted by volunteers. I didn't want to correct her, because up until a year ago she had a mom and a dad, and I was hoping for a natural transition. So I waited. On Sunday in church, she made me the cutest little glittery card, with the worst spelling, but with the words mamá and mami. She then wrote a note on my arm testing out the words further. This week she's been referring to me as mama when she talks to my parents via Skype or to God in prayer. She also kicked me out of my room to decorate the walls with these little hearts she had made that say, “Mamá, te quiero mucho mami, eres mi mami,” in English "Mom, I love you very much, you're my mommy."* And this morning, she did it! Almost as naturally as she used to call me "tia," she said "Mami." Sweetest sound in the world and best anniversary present ever!!!

*The yellow post-its on the wall say "wall" and "bedroom", we're practicing our English.