Weaker Than I Thought

I adopted Angie because I thought I was strong enough.

God gave me Angie because I thought I was strong enough,
 and He knew I needed to learn otherwise.

It took me almost four years to come to this ironic conclusion.

I thought I was capable of raising a child alone. Other, younger, less mature, less educated, less financially prepared people raise children all the time. Of course, I would have no problem. I mean, yeah, I'd have like regular problems, but I was plenty qualified. So I pushed on through the 6 month foreign (and I mean in Spanish) adoption process. Seriously, if I could navigate that I could navigate parenthood, right?

I thought I was fully equipped to give this child what she needed; a home, a family, love, a mother. In all honesty, I was a bit terrified and unsure, but I convinced myself, with the help of some of you, that whatever attempt at a home and one on one care I could offer was more than an orphanage had to give.

But it wasn't just Angie that God was rescuing when He brought us together. I see now that it was precisely because I thought I had it all under control that He saw it necessary to show me the truth. 

Through motherhood, God's taken me down a notch. He's taught me grace and compassion where before there was too often judgement. He's shown me sides of myself I never had to stare at before there was a little mirror reflecting all my flaws at me. 

God used Angie to prepare me for the selflessness marriage would require. To put me on a path toward patience. To give me an empathy for parents of all kinds and a vulnerability to start real conversations about hard stuff.

He's broken me to the place where I need Him to be whole, and in my weakness, with Him I am stronger than I was when I thought I had it all together. Mostly, because now I know I don't.

Today, I finally called about counseling, admitting out loud, that I'm not enough to heal this child's wounds.

I adopted Angie because I thought I was strong enough.

God gave me Angie to prove to me I'm not strong enough. And to show me He is.

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 

-2 Corinthians 12:9

Angie beaming with pride in her work on my hair and nails today, just a few minutes before she was crying about something else.