Expecting

Jon and I have been married for 2 and a half years. Nothing earth shattering, but it feels like a significant chunk of time. We're polar opposites in many ways, such as baby names. (This unborn child with 4 weeks till his eviction notice from my belly, has two options: remain nameless and go by "Zy" for the rest of his life, or end up with a name-compromise, which was fine for our dinnerware, but I'd really prefer that at least one of us love the name we give him, instead of just neither of us hating it like the dishes. 

I was talking to a friend awhile ago about her relationship struggles, many of which stem from their striking differences as well. And I heard myself in her, my frustrations with how Jon should act and even what he should think. Frustrations that have subsided to almost negligible, but not so distant that I can't remember them.  

You see, the best thing that's happened to our marriage, from my vantage point at least, is going to sound pitiful, but...

I lowered my expectations.

To the singles out there holding out for the perfect partner, this probably sounds like settling; the ultimate relationship faux pas. But if you've been to any marital or pre-marital classes or counseling you know that bringing expectations into marriage is one of the worst things you can do to your mate. Creating expectations in marriage is no better. Lowering your expectations just has a really bad rap. 

Expectations have always been a nuisance for me. I try not to see movie trailers or hear reviews, so I can make my own judgement without being biased by others' opinions. I often have to consciously cling to the mantra "blessed are the flexible for they are not bent out of shape." And I've added "blessed are those without expectations for they will not be disappointed." 

It's not fair for me to expect Jon, or Angie, or anyone for that matter to act the same way I would in every situation. I can't expect Jon to treat me the way I would treat him, or even the way he treated me in a similar circumstance the last time. Well, I can, but it's only going to set him (and me) up for disappointment. It's far more fun to be pleasantly surprised every time he does something wonderful, than to expect perfection always, and then be let down sometimes.

As I told my friend who was trying hard to find the balance between encouraging her man and pushing too hard and thus driving him crazy, it's when we relax and lower our expectations that we can praise them for the great things they do which really does make them want to do more of them. It's not manipulation at all when it's sincere appreciation, and it's so much easier to appreciate everything when you don't believe it should all be handed to you on a silver platter.

I'm thinking through this again now a couple months after the conversation with my friend, not because Jon has been disappointing me recently, in my 9th month of pregnancy I'm barely allowed to stand up on my own when he's around, but because of the other little bundle we're "expecting..."

I'm not too worried about Zy being healthy, I trust God will give us the baby he wants for us. I don't even really understand why people say "as long as he has 10 fingers and 10 toes," is that really the end all be all?? 

But I'm pretty sure hidden deep where expectations take root before they rear their ugly heads, there is one about this second round of parenting being different, being easier. I'm old enough to have seen enough other parents of newborns to know this will not be easy by any means, except maybe in a relative way. Easy in the way that maybe other parents will understand what we're going through with sleep deprivation and colic instead of abandonment issues and attachment disorders. Easy in that we'll be present for the ever critical training phase of his life, we'll know his history from its very first moment. We won't be correcting others' mistakes in parenting for years to come, we'll just be correcting our own.

But I know these expectations don't set me up for success, and I know that no matter what God gives us He will have His reasons. When I think about it, really think about it, as our family's become more peaceful over the past year, I haven't had as much reason to cling to Jesus. The most difficult of circumstances are precisely the ones that lead us to our knees. So I look forward to some sleepless nights, some helpless days, and some learning to parent a different child, and learning to lean not on my own understanding, as it fails me every time...  (Proverbs 3:5)