Spend Yourselves: Pleading Not Guilty

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Pleading Not Guilty

When I became a mother more than four years ago, someone advised me to "never feel guilty." I wasn't sure then, and I'm still not quite sure, how to do that, or if that's even healthy, but there is definitely some wisdom in not getting hung up on every little mistake.

Since my parenting load doubled two months ago, there have been even more reasons to feel guilty, and some of them do nag at me quite a bit.

A few of them are hopefully easily forgivable; such as failing to send 'Thank You' notes to 100% of the folks who've spoiled our family in some way, or posting too many photos and blog entries about our new little guy.

Others should spur me on to improvement; like the pangs of guilt I feel for not giving enough attention to our dog Ruby recently, or being gentler and more patient with Baby Zy than with Angie.

And still others I should surely just turn from guilt into gratitude. When people tell us we have such a good baby, or say "Praise God he's so healthy," I feel strangely bad for being one of the "fortunate" ones. Jon and I have more means and experience to handle a more difficult or disabled child than many parents who weren't "prepared," but God's ways our higher than our ways, so I need to trust Him and thank Him for the joyful baby He's given us.

On the other hand, there are also a number of things I don't let bother me.

For instance, I don't feel awful about the ~10 stubborn pounds of baby weight I can't seem to shed, well at least not awful enough to give up sweets. However, when the baby smiles and giggles more at the sight of me after my shower than any other time, it is a bit unnerving to my post-partum insecurities. I like to tell myself he's laughing at my towel turban not my belly jiggling.

It's not eating me up that the floors are going unvacuumed longer, or that our dinner menu is lacking much creativity or variety these days. My priorities have shifted for the time being, maybe forever, and that's not the end of the world.

We had hoped to wait till Angie was in high school to get her a cell phone, but with the arrival of the baby and the hopes for her to babysit him some in the future, we needed to be able to communicate with her, so we broke down and got her an iPhone. Actually, she saved up for the phone and case, but we're covering the monthly plan. I don't love how much she loves to stare at the bright shiny screen, but she's been so good with the baby and so tolerant of our new routines, that she deserves something special too.

At the same time, I refuse to feel guilty about often being the "mean mom." The one who won't let her child have every new fangled device as soon as it hits the market, or unlimited screen-time. Maybe I won't let Angie have sleepovers with random friends from school. Maybe I hope for, if not expect, obedience on the first instead of the fourth time I ask for something. And likely I'm stricter than the fun moms who I sometimes envy. But I'm not gonna feel guilty for parenting counter-culturally, and working hard to be consistent and wise, even if I'm not gonna win any popularity contests.

I don't feel guilty that Isaiah is not "Babywise." I like a schedule as much as the next semi-Type A personality, but if my little man's gonna have the biggest head this side of Texas he's gonna need to eat more than every three hours, and that's okay. I know I'm not helping the situation with my snuggle sessions in our bed in the morning after Angie and Jon are off to school and work. But I don't feel guilty about those priceless moments. Nor that he still sleeps in our bedroom, that one of us picks him up every time he fusses much at all, or that I do most of my work these days with a munchkin in my lap like this:

Because I refuse to wait till this precious time is over to appreciate it. After all, regret is probably even worse than guilt...

Sometimes, during worship at church, I find myself staring into Isaiah's handsome eyes as I sing. At first, I had a twinge of guilt about singing praise songs "to" my baby, as if to an idol. But I really can't think of a better creation to focus on when giving thanks and adoration to the Creator.

And now for your weekly dose of that adorable creation.