Expecting

Jon and I have been married for 2 and a half years. Nothing earth shattering, but it feels like a significant chunk of time. We're polar opposites in many ways, such as baby names. (This unborn child with 4 weeks till his eviction notice from my belly, has two options: remain nameless and go by "Zy" for the rest of his life, or end up with a name-compromise, which was fine for our dinnerware, but I'd really prefer that at least one of us love the name we give him, instead of just neither of us hating it like the dishes. 

I was talking to a friend awhile ago about her relationship struggles, many of which stem from their striking differences as well. And I heard myself in her, my frustrations with how Jon should act and even what he should think. Frustrations that have subsided to almost negligible, but not so distant that I can't remember them.  

You see, the best thing that's happened to our marriage, from my vantage point at least, is going to sound pitiful, but...

I lowered my expectations.

To the singles out there holding out for the perfect partner, this probably sounds like settling; the ultimate relationship faux pas. But if you've been to any marital or pre-marital classes or counseling you know that bringing expectations into marriage is one of the worst things you can do to your mate. Creating expectations in marriage is no better. Lowering your expectations just has a really bad rap. 

Expectations have always been a nuisance for me. I try not to see movie trailers or hear reviews, so I can make my own judgement without being biased by others' opinions. I often have to consciously cling to the mantra "blessed are the flexible for they are not bent out of shape." And I've added "blessed are those without expectations for they will not be disappointed." 

It's not fair for me to expect Jon, or Angie, or anyone for that matter to act the same way I would in every situation. I can't expect Jon to treat me the way I would treat him, or even the way he treated me in a similar circumstance the last time. Well, I can, but it's only going to set him (and me) up for disappointment. It's far more fun to be pleasantly surprised every time he does something wonderful, than to expect perfection always, and then be let down sometimes.

As I told my friend who was trying hard to find the balance between encouraging her man and pushing too hard and thus driving him crazy, it's when we relax and lower our expectations that we can praise them for the great things they do which really does make them want to do more of them. It's not manipulation at all when it's sincere appreciation, and it's so much easier to appreciate everything when you don't believe it should all be handed to you on a silver platter.

I'm thinking through this again now a couple months after the conversation with my friend, not because Jon has been disappointing me recently, in my 9th month of pregnancy I'm barely allowed to stand up on my own when he's around, but because of the other little bundle we're "expecting..."

I'm not too worried about Zy being healthy, I trust God will give us the baby he wants for us. I don't even really understand why people say "as long as he has 10 fingers and 10 toes," is that really the end all be all?? 

But I'm pretty sure hidden deep where expectations take root before they rear their ugly heads, there is one about this second round of parenting being different, being easier. I'm old enough to have seen enough other parents of newborns to know this will not be easy by any means, except maybe in a relative way. Easy in the way that maybe other parents will understand what we're going through with sleep deprivation and colic instead of abandonment issues and attachment disorders. Easy in that we'll be present for the ever critical training phase of his life, we'll know his history from its very first moment. We won't be correcting others' mistakes in parenting for years to come, we'll just be correcting our own.

But I know these expectations don't set me up for success, and I know that no matter what God gives us He will have His reasons. When I think about it, really think about it, as our family's become more peaceful over the past year, I haven't had as much reason to cling to Jesus. The most difficult of circumstances are precisely the ones that lead us to our knees. So I look forward to some sleepless nights, some helpless days, and some learning to parent a different child, and learning to lean not on my own understanding, as it fails me every time...  (Proverbs 3:5)

One Word for 2015, it's not too late

Someone called me calm the other day. Jon laughed and laughed. Isn't it funny the different impressions various people have of us? Some of you might even think I'm calm... This friend was referring in particular to labor and delivery, she said that since I'm calm I should be fine. "It's all about remaining calm and remembering to breathe." Jon did agree that I am calm during stressful circumstances, it's the little things that ruffle my feathers. 

Anyway, it's not "calm" that I wanted to share about today, exactly, it's another word. Right after Christmas our pastor spoke about choosing One Word for 2015 instead of making resolutions that are bound to be broken and soon forgotten. 

And my word immediately came to mind. It's a bit like calm, but I don't really want to be a calm person, there are times when passion is far more important than composure in my opinion. But it's similar...

The word I think the Lord has given me for 2015 is Gentle.

I had just read this article about fascinating, counter-intuitive to me, research following children for 32 years of their lives, showing that how parents respond to their baby and toddler's needs determines their success for decades in academics and relationships. At first I couldn't understand why meeting a child's every need would create an independent, functioning teen and adult, but when I thought about Angie and her neediness, I realized that not having her needs met reliably and gently for so many years, failed to build in her a confidence in adults to take care of her. If someone had addressed her requests sensitively when she was little, maybe she would trust that we are looking out for her best interests now, that not everyone's out to get her, that she doesn't have to be suspicious and doubtful of every intention, and that God is always good and faithful. 

With the fresh outlook of a new year, and the totally clean slate of the baby we'll start parenting next month, it seemed a good time to focus my tone, my actions, and my attitude on gentleness.

I thought about blogging all this on New Year's Day to stir some thought on what your One Word might be for this year, but then I learned there's a whole movement in this direction: http://oneword365.com/. And my dear friend Linda wrote a beautiful post about her second year with this approach, so I felt there was no need to say anything more.

...until, it got hard. The idea is that if you fall off the wagon with a resolution it's difficult to get back on, but with just One Word you can refocus with less discouragement. But on January 1st, when I already heard my voice, short and harsh, with Angie after she asked one too many nonsensical questions, I realized this was going to mean more than just deciding on a word, but a change God was going to need to work in me.

From scripture I know it's a work He agrees with:

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." -Proverbs 15:1

What better way to stimulate the One Word I have for our family this year, Peace, than to defuse an escalating situation instead of rile it up.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." - Galatians 5:22-23

None of the fruit of the Spirit are passion, fervor, zeal, of which I am rarely lacking. But gentleness seems to be a theme which underlies many of them in patience, kindness, and goodness, of which I can use a lot of help from the Holy Spirit. As I interact not only with Jon, Angie, and baby Zy, but with other family, co-workers, strangers, the DMV, and other sometimes frustrating folks, what a great way to reflect Christ's love with a gentle response where one might be unexpected...

And finally, I want to seek Jesus in the less obvious places this year. I want to see Him everywhere, as he reveals Himself in gentle whispers...

"And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper.  When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave." -1 Kings 19:11-13

What's your One Word for 2015? It's not too late, you can still start now. There are tons of ideas on the links I shared above, or maybe God's already been laying something on your heart. You don't have to tell me yours, but you're welcome to help me with mine. Maybe we could encourage each other...