One Scared Mama

In case anyone were ever to think we've got it all together, here's an attempt at full disclosure to assure you that we're as much of a hot mess as the next family.

In the past week, Isaiah put a printer cartridge in his mouth, daily scattered toys all across the house faster than I could clean up after him, had minor meltdowns every time I took anything away from him or made him stop hitting the dog, fell down multiple times a day, woke up multiple times a night, peed on the bathroom floor, and pooped on our bedroom carpet. No worries, the dog was right there to help clean it up.

As if eating poop, wasn't effective enough at making her smell awful, Ruby got sprayed by a skunk on Tuesday, at 10:15pm! 'Cause bathing her multiple times is what we wanted to do at that hour.

Jon just began a new semester of night classes with projects keeping him late even the very first week.

In the meantime, Angie started a new school with new friendships to work through, teachers to get used to, homework to keep her up till 10:30pm, sports to decide upon, and a schedule to line up. In the process of choosing electives and fitting all her classes together, she struggled in her first choice; an art class, which later she found out was Advanced Art. So, she switched to a class that wouldn't be such a challenge, Spanish 1! I'm not at all sure how this got past the counselor in charge of scheduling, but it certainly didn't get past me. In no way did I want to make this transition to a brand new high school more difficult for her, but I wasn't about to let her spend an entire year learning how to introduce herself and say her numbers and colors in Spanish, her first language! Apparently Spanish 2 or 3 didn't fit into her schedule so she went with what was left which just happened to be the easy "A."

Back at the ranch, I'm trying to keep everyone fed, bathed, and in clean clothes, while working from home preparing for my busy travel season that begins next week. Did I mention the toddler thinks he needs to be touching me at least 17 hours a day?

So, when I started to have a hunch I was pregnant earlier this summer, I was a tad hesitant to embrace it. Trips to the grocery store were already making me nauseous, but I couldn't bring myself to take the test. I decided to postpone till Angie's birthday, which was the same day we found out we were pregnant with Isaiah two years ago, mostly for sentimentality, but partly to give me time to wrap my head around this new blessing.

Don't get me wrong, we wanted another one. Two years apart, seemed like good timing. Everything was pretty much perfect, except that the idea turning into reality was somewhat terrifying.

He's such a proud Papa!

I'm not much of a worrier. We've all heard that like 85% of what we worry about isn't even going to happen, and worrying about that other 15% isn't going to change anything anyway. Mostly, I trust that God is going to take care of me, He'll only allow me what He wants me to have.

But guys, I've been pregnant, I've had a newborn, we have a toddler, we have a teenager; I know ~95% of what's going to happen, what God's gonna allow, and I'm scared. Trusting God doesn't make the "morning" sickness any more comfortable. It doesn't make the fatigue on top of the already full schedule any lighter. It doesn't make labor happen effortlessly, nor recovery happen painlessly. It doesn't mean I'll necessarily ever sleep through the night again! And I'm not at all sure that God plans to have these little ones play together peacefully all day while I continue to email, make phone calls, write, put together presentations, and travel all over the Southeast for CVM.

Maybe I'm gonna be somewhat miserable for 9 months, maybe longer. It's quite possible the next baby won't take a bottle, sleep well, or leave my arms voluntarily for years either. Maybe I'm not gonna be able to do it all, and something will have to give. But as much as all that makes me nervous, I also know from experience that any of that adversity can draw me closer to Christ, if I let it. So, instead of stressing about the unknown, or even the very likely, I think I'll start focusing on the awesomeness that awaits us with this next bundle of pure joy and how the less-than-awesome moments are just opportunities to lean into the Lord.

"The joy of the Lord is (my) strength.” -Nehemiah 8:10

"He must increase and I must decrease." -John 3:30