Not as Strong as I Thought

On June 15th, I woke up celebrating Angie's 17th birthday the exact same way I celebrated her 12th in 2014 and 14th in 2016, by peeing on a stick. I'll never again have the secret joy of finding out we're giving Angie a baby sibling on her birthday. I may be the only person ever to learn of all three of my bio babies on the birthday of my adopted daughter...
If we had planned it that way I doubt we could have ever pulled it off. But instead we tried for a combined 26 months for these precious little ones, so we definitely weren't aiming for three February birthdays. God's timing is sweet.

After waiting so long for this one, I was obviously thrilled with the positive result on the stick that morning. When we made the choice to go for one more, or let's be honest -- try for a girl -- it made so much sense. Well, at least some sense. But then, days after the exciting news, I started thinking to myself, "What have we done?!" With only 2 years between Isaiah and Paul, we barely had time to sleep through the night once, let alone get any of our "lives" back. With three years between Paul and this next one though, Jon and I were finishing up a season of co-ed volleyball, playing in a mixed doubles tennis tournament together, we were going out more easily, I was starting to travel without a sidekick... Now, we will be resetting the clock, and the way we attachment parent means we will be giving these things up again for years. 

All these thoughts combined with the first trimester awfulness, Paul's 2 year-old wild/stubbornness, Isaiah's 4 year-old whininess, and Angie's 17 year-old confusion about life, was enough to send me back into the downward spiral I was in a couple years ago, when I penned One Scared Mama. 

We praised the Lord when we found out we were finally giving the kids a Baby Sister, making all this crazy somehow worth it. But God wasn't finished teaching me lessons through this. 

Last November, when Christian Veterinary Mission staff chose, "Be Strong and Courageous," from Joshua 1:9 as our theme for this year, I'm gonna be honest, I was kinda disappointed. If you know me well, you know fear isn't a huge issue for me (snakes and Escape Rooms notwithstanding). And if you knew my Enneagram type you'd know we're not referred to as snow plows for nothing. Paulie doesn't get his bulldozer personality from the mailman; we're strong. So, what was I gonna do for a year while we focused on a command to "not be afraid"?  Got it, let's move on. 

(It sounds like I'm bragging here, but I'm really just setting this up to show you what an idiot I am.) 

As I studied the book of Joshua preparing to write and share about it, I saw that the lines that are repeated throughout Joshua 1 are "Be Strong and Courageous," and "For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I started to tell vets and students that our strength and courage must come from knowing God is with us, or it will never last. And I think God thought that was cute. I'm glad I can give Him a good chuckle sometimes. 

So, as I leaned on my own strength and courage while telling others not to, maybe God thought to Himself, "What if I teach Lauren the lesson she's teaching others." Then, with a trifecta that would be hard for anyone but God to handle, He brought me to my knees. 

1) Impending Kiddo #4 coming one month shy of my 40th birthday! 

2) Starting to homeschool Isaiah this fall with Paul and Baby Girl not far behind. 

3) CVM asked me to continue my busy role as their Southeast Region Rep AND take on the added responsibilities of CVM's US Ministry Director position as well. 

Okay, God, you've got my attention. My ignorance in any one of these three new challenges makes them daunting enough, but facing them all at the same time has me uncharacteristically afraid.

So, when all my rational courage is stripped away, and fear threatens to consume me, I lean into God trusting He is with me just like He was last time and will be next time. Because I'm uncharacteristically afraid, I'm also entering all three of these situations with an uncharacteristic humility. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to depend on God for my strength and courage instead of myself. 

I can put a positive spin on it now, but a couple weeks ago I was driving home from Tuskegee University at about 2am. It was my 3rd of 6 weeks of travel, and thinking about adding responsibilities during this season had me overwhelmed. I was emotionally telling God that I can’t do all of this well. And looking up into the dark above the expressway I asked Him if He could.

Right then, a shooting star fell through the sky in the center of my view reminding me that the Lord my God will be with me wherever I go. And that's where my courage comes from.

For anyone who likes 3D Ultrasound pics, here's our first one. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. 
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9