This Guy...

"A beautiful garden is the result of sunshine and of rain." -An Unlikely Gift

As many of you already know; my favorite guy lost his job in January. I've yet to write anything about it, because in the moments that followed the news, I recognized as a good wife should, what a sensitive season this would be. In the whirlwind of emotion, however, as I waited for him to come home, that was the extent of my good wife instincts. I was clueless as to how to support him from there. 

Fast forward a couple months, and I'm not much more sure of my role in this job search, or as his helper, but I am more sure than ever of what a special guy I have.

It's been a season like any other with rainy days, mixed with days when we see the sun shining through the clouds, and some where we recognize the silver that lines them. After all, rarely do grown men have the freedom to let their beards run as wild as this.

And when else would he have time to tackle projects around the house to his heart's content? The fact that his heart is content when piecing together riding lawnmower parts that came with the garage, hanging siding on the house, replacing old parts in our vehicles, and pressure washing every outdoor surface in sight, is one of the reasons why he's my favorite guy.

The other reason is his Christ-likeness. In a time where he has plenty of reason to mope, every excuse to be short with us, and ample cause to be negative, he chooses not to. Instead he picks up the slack when I travel for work, and makes up for all the days I've prepared meals, done the shopping, and helped with homework. He hasn't missed a single one of Angie's tennis matches this year, a feat no parent with regular working hours could ever accomplish. And he keeps his chin up through it all. 

It is difficult to offend someone who is truly humble. Where my pride might have taken a lethal blow, he barely seems fazed. He reads his Bible more and leads us better now than ever.

Like any rainy spring, it's been one full of opportunities for growth as well. Nothing highlights the differences in two personalities as polar as ours like 24/7 time together. Without a schedule he slowly reverts to his natural nocturnal state, and I vacillate between gentle encouragement and frustrated chastisement. As he volunteers to help neighbors and friends with projects around their houses, I waver between admiration for his generosity and selfishness that he's not finishing the projects he's left undone in our own home.

But I'm not conflicted for long, as respecting him is so easy. Yesterday, he spent the day fixing up our '96 Honda Civic that he's been planning to sell on Craigslist for awhile; not to increase its selling price, but to enhance its value as a gift. Last night, he woke up at 2:30am to drive it to Oklahoma. I worked a veterinary conference in Nashville over the weekend. The day before, our speaker, a CVM missionary raising funds to move to West Africa with his family, had to cancel when his car engine blew costing more to repair than the value of the car. Jon not only thought to donate our Civic to them, in spite of our tight financial situation, he also volunteered to drive overnight to take it to people he had never met...

Employers, you'll probably have to fight me for him, I think I like having this guy around more than all the money your fancy jobs can offer. Well, call me anyway, if you're lucky maybe we can work something out.

Called to Suffer?

If you've read almost any other post on this blog, or you've known our family for more than five minutes, you know our prayer card photo (below) is a fake. It's as counterfeit as a three dollar bill. No, we didn't superimpose someone's head on another body or whiten anyone's teeth, but we might as well have, it's that phony.

Yes, the dog usually looks that calm and collected, but the rest of us are another story. Why did we do it, you might ask. What made us tickle our moody tween for an hour in the hot sun to get the perfect "natural" smile? Because no one wants to look at our real mugs on their refrigerator every time they go to get the milk.

Note my cheesy "See, we're holding it all together" grin.

 And maybe, just maybe, because I buy into the lie a little too.

The myth we might not say out loud, but far too many of us believe, that if we live in the middle of God's will we will have smooth sailing. The idea that if we follow God's call on our lives everything will go swell, be comfortable, we'll feel at peace, and although we might not let the thought solidify, back there somewhere in the depths of our subconscious we just might expect life to be easy. I mean the Bible says so, right?

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4

"Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and He will bless you for it." 

-1 Peter 3:9

In Luke 6 it basically tells us however much we pour out will be poured back into us.

This year, Christian Veterinary Mission has been studying the theme "Called" with a focus on Ephesians 4:1, "Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God."

This past month, I've traveled to Orlando, FL, Baton Rouge, LA, and Raleigh, NC sharing how God's "called" me. First and foremost, He's called me His child.

"See how very much our Father loves us, for He calls us His children, 
and that is what we are!" -1 John 3:1

And from that place of security I've felt called to share His love. I've sensed a calling to the veterinary profession, since I was six years-old. After realizing that dream, I felt the Lord lead me with clarity to help launch Mosaic Christian Church, so I picked up and moved to Baltimore. A more slow to develop, subtle push also came from God in the area of missions. Through several short-term trips, many Perspectives classes, and a number of people, He started to awaken in me an understanding of His path for me toward longer term service overseas, so I moved to Bolivia.

But each of those "callings" was a whisper from an almost inaudible voice in comparison to the one I heard so clearly in the way we can most reliably hear from God, His written Word.

Just as Christians cannot deny we are all called to share our knowledge of Christ with others, to be generous, and to love our neighbors, because God's plainly asked us to through the Bible, I also saw Him clearly say to take care of the least of these.

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans," 
-James 1:27

"Learn to do good; Seek justice, Reprove the ruthless, Defend the orphan," 

-Isaiah 1:17

"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due when it is in your power to do it," 
-Proverbs 3:27

All this I read as the child I was sponsoring at an orphanage in Bolivia was becoming legally adoptable. And when I questioned in my head, "who will be her family?" without even forming it into a prayer, I heard the most distinct answer of my life, "Why not you?"

Three simple words that moved me to the most life-changing calling of all; motherhood. I have often been so grateful for Jesus' response in the shape of a question as He commonly answered others, because it has become my rock when I've doubted this calling, my reminder that this is from God, not man.

And I've doubted often. Because, well, God kind of messed it up. You see, He very clearly called me to bring this child into my family, He worked out all the details along the way to make her a Spears and now a Charles, but one thing He forgot, one very important thing, He must have gotten distracted, or busy with calling others, because He neglected to make it easy. Three years in and it's still not comfortable. I'm starting to wonder if it will ever be smooth sailing...

And so the shaky foundation we loosely base our lives around, that all will go effortlessly for those in His will, crumbles. The lie we would recognize as such if we said it aloud, is shattered by reality and by the truth that He never meant for life to be painless even for those following Him most closely, especially for them.

"For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in His steps." -1 Peter 2:21

After all, when we look back at the scripture where we started: 

"Therefore, I a prisoner for serving the Lord, urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received." -Ephesians 4:1 

We see that its author, Paul, was writing from prison, because he was following Christ's very real call on the road to Damascus, to serve the Lord. Paul was not alone. I've seen real people all around me suffer not in spite of their calling, but because of it. Haven't you?

So, I began to wonder why. Wouldn't people be more effective at serving Christ if their calling wasn't a burden? Wouldn't more people be willing to follow God's leading with abandon if it truly were easy? What purpose does it serve Him to weigh us down with tasks that overwhelm us?

Maybe it's because only when things are too much for us do we remember our greatest calling, our identity as His children. Adults don't need their parents, children do. When do we rely on God more, talk to Him the most, find ourselves on our knees more than when we're in over our heads. When the ministry He gives us is too big for us, we have to give it back to Him and recognize our place. I've heard it said that God won't call you to something you can't handle. I disagree, God will call you specifically to tasks that are far too much for you, because then the glory goes where it belongs, back to Him.

If our daughter Angie, with her abusive broken past and numerous families, stays off the streets, stays out of prison, graduates college, or even high school, gets a job, has a stable family, and changes the world for God's kingdom, everyone will know it wasn't anything we did, because this calling is way too big for us. This plan of His is so far above our heads and out of our reach, that we can't possibly receive any of the credit. God will get all the glory. Just as God stripped Gideon's army down to 300 men, to prove that He was fighting the battle, He strips us down to our knees as well.

In my never-ending search to make life easier, I think that maybe if I reflect all the glory to God even in the good times, if I constantly communicate with Him whether I feel that I need Him in the moment or not, maybe He'll let me sail smoothly. But then I'm reminded of Jesus. The one who never strayed from His Father's call, who used every occasion to credit God for everything, and who maintained a perfect communion with the Lord at all times. Yet, Jesus suffered. He was called to suffer, and we are called to follow in His steps. It might not always be happy, and easy, and fun, but God can always turn our pain for good.

"So we keep on praying for you, asking our God to enable you to live a life worthy of His call. May He give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do." 
-2 Thessalonians 1:11

The Change to Charles

For the majority of you who’ve been confused about my name for awhile, it’s about to get much clearer. One thing you’ve probably understood is that Angie’s national/international adoption + immigration + step-parent-adoption + citizenship has been complicated. For that reason, I've lived in limbo between maintaining my last name legally as Spears, since Angie wasn't changing her name yet and we didn't want to run into anymore trouble than we already do traveling internationally together, and starting the switchover professionally to Charles.

Leaving "Team Spears" and all that implies is not something I do without a heavy heart. But I trust that the next time there's a race to be run or an adventure to be had they'll let us join up as honorary members. On the other hand, it is with no reservations whatsoever that I drop all references to Brittany Spears. I did not really teach her to dance, I'm sorry if I lead you astray when you asked if we were cousins.

Angie has her own misgivings.  Not that she'd have any desire to team up for another race the rest of her life, nor does she really even know who Britney is, but she is understandably a bit weary of change.  

When she was born her given name was Girasol. She hated it, kids made fun of her. It wasn't until she'd been with me for a year that I learned of her original name, and showed her its true meaning.  She thought it meant oil, because she saw it on bottles for cooking. I explained it was actually a perfect name for her as her laughter and beauty could brighten any room. To prove it, I typed in "Girasol" to Google Images and showed her how appropriate her name had been. As the screen lit up, so did her face. Her first name was Sunflower.

But since she didn't care for Girasol, her second mom, the woman who was raising her, changed her name to her own; Angelica, and she carried her "mother" and "father"'s last names: Angelica Titile Villegas.

When I met her, she revealed to me that her name reminded her of her "mother" who'd abused her, so we shortened it to Angie. A few months later, when the adoption was finalized, we lengthened it to Angelica "Angie" Kira Spears.

Angie embraced those name changes, because they were clearly signifying change for the better. She's been a little more hesitant this time. She's learned to spell Spears, she's fallen in love with my parents, the Bulos, she can finally sign her name in less than three minutes.

So, in preparation for the transition I've been writing Spears Charles for both of us, gently easing her into it. In Florida, over Thanksgiving, she was drawing and wrote a big fancy bubble letter "Angie SC." I asked her what the SC was for, "Spears Charles," she replied. "But do you know what else starts with SC?" I prompted. "Where are you from?" Again, her face lit up with recognition: Santa Cruz.  Her hometown in Bolivia, where we lived together and she spent most of her childhood, holds the same initials as her new last names. She can move on, but she doesn't have to forget the past.

Yesterday, we had a hearing for Jon's adoption of Angie. Of course, he was approved, who could doubt all he has to offer this little vulnerable life.

If you run into Ange, we welcome your help in embracing her new apellido--last name. Switching to Spears symbolized Angie's transition into a forever family, her adoption of a mother, and a promising future. The change to Charles only bears more hope. Hope that a father brings for a stable home. A covenant marriage to lean into and learn to trust that even though there will always be change, there are some things you can rely on to remain true. 

Angie, you have been an example to all of us that God is trustworthy, and He answers the prayers of a tiny child, abandoned by the rest of the world, but never far from her Heavenly Father's plan; to give her a family.

"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families." -Psalm 68:5-6

From Gut-Wrenching to Heart Melting

I've heard it said that adopted kids start to settle in once they've been with their "forever family" longer than they lived without them. Uh, so, right about the time Angie's heading off to college she'll get comfortable and compliant? Great for her professors I guess. But what about us?!

On a good day, I daydream about adopting more. On a bad day, I fantasize about an empty nest.

Today, was a bad day. The worst in awhile. I complained about an extended Christmas break, when the Polar Vortex kept my little one at home two extra days, and kept me from a full work day. But really, if put head to head "Happy Snow-day Angie" even when she's up in my grill all day, is probably far preferable to "Grouchy Back-to-school, showering, homework, and basketball-practice Angie." I have got to learn to be content in all circumstances, or at least some!

I read Jen Hatmaker's new blog post last night about difficult relationships, I even reposted it. No, I didn't assume reposting it would be enough to reap some relational benefits. I actually tried to use some of her ideas.

I will pray for two things in regard to this child: love and selflessness. Dear God, give me a heart overflowing with love and banish my selfishness with your awesome magic powers.

When it comes down to it, I’d rather work hard on a difficult relationship than flounder in frustration over it, waiting for it to miraculously improve. Inertia is no friend of healthy relationships.

I probably wouldn't have expected instant results, except a few hours after she posted the article, Jen added this note on Facebook:

You guys, practiced my blog tips on Remy today, and at bedtime prayers (me first, her second), I thanked God for how precious He made her, and she said: "Mama? Take my turn and pray again because your words are just so sweet!" FOR THE LOVE. I'm serious. For the love. Anyone else have a small victory today with your person?

Uh no. I mean, I at least was hoping for 'same to improved' on the peace in the home scale, not total mother-daughter MELTDOWN. But we chose the meltdown. I'll spare you the details, just know that it was ugly around here from shortly after the bus brought her home around 3pm till an artificially early bedtime of 8 o'clock.  

By then things had simmered down enough; ignoring-defiant Angie had been replaced with the sweet-repentant version, so we attempted some semblance of our bedtime routine, minus Daddy who's out of town. Yesterday, at a friend's adoption fundraiser ice cream outing, we ran into Angie's church small group leader and she asked us to be reading Psalm 139 before class on Sunday.

Could she have been some kind of an angel, or a prophet? 

Last night, I read it to Angie in Spanish. Tonight, I picked up the bilingual Bible and started into the English translation half-heartedly, until I began to melt...

O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
²     You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
³     You know everything I do.
⁴ You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
⁵ You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ 

Just being reminded that He knows me SO well, when I fall SO short, yet He continues to love me, was too much. I had to agree with David, "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!"

As if that wasn't enough, then God took it up a notch.

Angie did something she never does, she asked if she could read, she hates to read out loud. But she read better than I've ever heard her! She read these words:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!    

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born. 

Every day of my life was recorded in your book. 

Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
    They cannot be numbered!

I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!

Where are the tissues?!!?!?

He had me at: He made all the delicate, inner parts of her body and knit her together in her mother's womb, but He didn't stop there... Every day of her life was recorded, every moment laid out.

His thoughts about her are precious.

When I can't muster one precious thought about the child, God's cannot be counted, they outnumber the grains of sand. 

Oh, there are no words. Forgive me Lord, for my...everything.

Then, Angie opened up to me that today was unexpectedly her best friend's last day at school, and that she hadn't finished making her a friendship bracelet yet. Oh, heart that was melted is now being ripped out. If only she'd told me her sorrows at the beginning of our afternoon, instead of raging. Or, if only I'd assumed the best about her, if only I'd extended her a little more grace... Next time...

Psalm 139 closes with a prayer we personalized tonight for ourselves, maybe you can use it too.

"Point out anything in me that offends you, 

and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

Goodnight friends, I'm exhausted. Life is exhausting.

Everything Becomes Nothing

How many kings stepped down from their thrones?

How many lords have abandoned their homes?

How many greats have become the least for me?

And how many gods have poured out their hearts

To romance a world that is torn all apart

How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

This Christmas morning as the pinks meet the blues across the entire expanse of the endless sky in a sunrise worthy of the birth of a King...I'm reminded of how incomprehensible this moment we celebrate really is. 

We know the child was born in a stable, laid in a manger and wrapped in swaddling cloths. We know it so well we don't even see it. Nativities are so common they have to outdo each other to even be noticed. The Christ child has joined Frosty, Rudolph and Santa irreverently across suburban lawns in the form of inflatables.   

But as we see this scene and see right through it in its familiarity, have we grasped its grandeur? Has it lost its awe? Can we fathom its greatness?

God created the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. He spoke it into being. The galaxies are His.

He laid the foundations of the earth.

He keeps the sea inside its boundaries, saying, 'This far and no farther will you come, here your proud waves must stop!’

He creates a channel for the torrents of rain.

He lays out the path for the lightning.

He directs the movement of the stars— binding the cluster of the Pleiades or loosening the cords of Orion.

He directs the sequence of the seasons...

(from Job 38)

But then, because it wasn't enough, because all He wanted was a right relationship with you, and with me, not all the cattle on a thousand hills, or all the stars in skies, He became the humblest of beings--a human child. Likely the newborn most helpless of all species, He grew in the womb of a virgin girl. He was entrusted to a pair of unwed teenagers. He shrunk from immeasurably huge to tiny. 

We adore new babies. We visit them in their delivery rooms. We are in awe of the miracle of birth and life.

But this is no ordinary 6 pound 8 ounce baby boy. This baby boy won the war. This baby boy gave everything, literally EVERYTHING up for you. He was limitless, but He became helpless for you.

I can't do this idea justice, but I couldn't keep it to myself. Today, I dare you to try to wrap your head around how the God of all creation became flesh. And then I dare you to remember why. Jesus was born today because God loves you that much...

"Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!" 

-2 Corinthians 9:15