A Story of Hope

When we think we're helping, are we often really hurting?

Is it possible to give without causing dependency?

How do we balance the fine line between aiding and enabling? Are we even sure where the line is? 

Can a home makeover bring about more than a new home, but a fresh start?

These are the questions that run through our minds as we surrender to the all but irresistible urge to "help" a young mother and her infant. How could we look the other way while a new life comes into the world without a shelter to cover it, or a bed to rest on?

Patty Laurence and I have known Lauren H. for over a year, as she's frequented the homeless shelters and feeding programs where we serve. And over the past few months while she survived this brutally cold winter in a tent downtown, her belly has been swelling with a life bringing both hope and fear.

At only 20 years old, Lauren was a bit terrified by the idea of taking care of another person, when taking care of herself was sometimes so overwhelming. The anxiety paralyzed her so much that one week before her due date, Lauren had no place to live or ANYTHING at all for the child. 

Her impending labor pushed her to the top of the list for an organization called Shelter Care Plus, and finally, one day before she was due to give birth, she had an apartment. Patty and I took her to doctors' appointments, A Woman's Choice pregnancy center, LG&E, the pharmacy, and we put the word out about her needs. That's when many of you stepped in so generously.

With a new crib, a closet full of clothes and accessories, diapers for miles, and so many other sweet donations, the only thing missing was the baby. So, Brooklyn La'Shae took her cue on July 21st  and entered the world.The fun was just beginning. As Lauren recovered and Brooklyn grew, the fabulous people at God's Designs were preparing to use donated furniture to turn Lauren's barren apartment into a furnished home. This morning, Lauren and I left her place at 9:30am and shuffled between our house, the park, the doctor, and the pharmacy, until we were allowed to return for the Big Reveal at 2:00pm. It was incredible!!!

From sleeping on cardboard outside of businesses a year ago, Lauren has come a long way to a fully furnished 2-bedroom apartment. She plans to get plugged into Necole's Place now to take parenting classes and get her GED. She's over the moon excited to have a kitchen to cook in, instead of the hotplate she's been using for two years. And she's thrilled to do normal grown-up things like pay her first bill when LG&E sends their invoice for this month.

As Lauren's husband, Michael, comes home soon, and the glow of her new place wears off, Patty and I are well aware of how far the battle--to keep them off the streets and break Brooklyn out of the cycle of poverty--is from won. We also know that although all the stuff everyone provided was so urgently necessary, what Lauren needs long-term is mentoring. 

It would not truly be love if we loaded up her home with goodies, and then continued to hold her hand, drive her around, make her phone calls, and fill her pantry. If we let go of Lauren and Brooklyn, yes, they are likely to fall. But if we keep carrying them, neither of them will ever learn to walk.

So, I think it's time we give these two some space to grow. We can still be there when they scrape their knees, but with the real medicine that is more than just a band-aid, but rather Christ's love that empowers.

Weaker Than I Thought

I adopted Angie because I thought I was strong enough.

God gave me Angie because I thought I was strong enough,
 and He knew I needed to learn otherwise.

It took me almost four years to come to this ironic conclusion.

I thought I was capable of raising a child alone. Other, younger, less mature, less educated, less financially prepared people raise children all the time. Of course, I would have no problem. I mean, yeah, I'd have like regular problems, but I was plenty qualified. So I pushed on through the 6 month foreign (and I mean in Spanish) adoption process. Seriously, if I could navigate that I could navigate parenthood, right?

I thought I was fully equipped to give this child what she needed; a home, a family, love, a mother. In all honesty, I was a bit terrified and unsure, but I convinced myself, with the help of some of you, that whatever attempt at a home and one on one care I could offer was more than an orphanage had to give.

But it wasn't just Angie that God was rescuing when He brought us together. I see now that it was precisely because I thought I had it all under control that He saw it necessary to show me the truth. 

Through motherhood, God's taken me down a notch. He's taught me grace and compassion where before there was too often judgement. He's shown me sides of myself I never had to stare at before there was a little mirror reflecting all my flaws at me. 

God used Angie to prepare me for the selflessness marriage would require. To put me on a path toward patience. To give me an empathy for parents of all kinds and a vulnerability to start real conversations about hard stuff.

He's broken me to the place where I need Him to be whole, and in my weakness, with Him I am stronger than I was when I thought I had it all together. Mostly, because now I know I don't.

Today, I finally called about counseling, admitting out loud, that I'm not enough to heal this child's wounds.

I adopted Angie because I thought I was strong enough.

God gave me Angie to prove to me I'm not strong enough. And to show me He is.

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 

-2 Corinthians 12:9

Angie beaming with pride in her work on my hair and nails today, just a few minutes before she was crying about something else.

Legacy

How long will you be remembered after you're gone? Like really remembered and celebrated? I don't have any delusions about having a bank holiday in my honor, but this weekend at our family reunion in Barren River Lake State Park I was reminded of just what an impact one life can have.

For the past 45 years the Scott clan has reunioned. At the beginning it was annually to celebrate Mattie "Mamaw" Scott's birthday, and then as families grew in size and distance, and schedules got tighter, it evolved to an every-three-year gathering. When Mamaw passed on 18 years ago, no one really expected the tradition to continue. But as the number of Mamaw and Papaw's seven living children dwindled to three, the enthusiasm to come together from around the world has not cooled.

Even Ruby was stoked about going to meet her Scott relations.

Three years ago, Jon's first introduction to the Scott crew--a year before he still bravely entered the family--86 of us crammed into this photo.

This year, although the family has grown, our numbers were down to the mid-seventies:

It all got me thinking about a few things, such as:

Is it okay for an adopted child to have a crush on someone at a family reunion, especially if it's a third cousin in-law?  Seriously, there's no common blood whatsoever, she could do worse.

Genetics are so complex! The resemblance in a nuclear family can be uncanny, while one degree of separation and there might be no recognizable similarities in appearance or personality. At the lake where we had all our cabins, we just waved at everyone assuming we were related to them, cause we could barely distinguish who was with us, and we definitely couldn't remember all their names.  I propose in three years, we have a competition to see who can recite, or draw, the family tree the most accurately. Maybe that will encourage us to do our homework a little better before we make fools of ourselves pretending we remember who goes with who.

And finally, just how many lives can one person affect? For better or worse, we are constantly altering the course of not only our own existences, but those around us with our words and actions. What can I be doing now to ensure that my offspring enjoy spending time together enough that dozens of them will continue to travel to see each other for decades after I'm gone? (Aside from the obvious answer of having some offspring in the first place.)

In my opinion, this is Mamaw's greatest accomplishment. She may not have a holiday named after her, but she raised children who value family. She taught them to love each other well enough not to let petty things separate them. To forgive, to laugh, and to seek to do life together. It is a huge credit to her that Jon still proposed after spending a weekend with 85 of my relatives. Let's see if the three girlfriends who joined us this year will stick around too...

The family tradition of singing "Good Old Mountain Dew"

If you're part of this motley Scott crew, or you just want to see what traditions like singing together for decades looks like, check out our latest family reunion video, but at 18 minutes it's not for the faint of heart. If you are a Scott, you might want to have some Kleenex nearby.

Feast or Famine

When it rains it pours. For five months, Jon's been making the most of his job search drought by working on overdue projects around the house. You may remember some of his odd jobs from a recent post, This Guy.

Here are just a few others he's tackled since then:

 

He built a room in the garage to paint the mismatched parts of our old 4Runner that he'd found at the junkyard.

Then he ingeniously Macgyvered a few other pieces to make it good as new.

He took care of our overgrown landscaping and yard waste.

He stained the playhouse, swing set, deck,fence, and side stairs!

He painted behind the bookshelves in the den. (Our fireplace is not usually this cluttered, that's all stuff from the bookshelves.)

And he took on countless handyman jobs for friends and family such as; replacing my parents' bathroom floor and vanity, cutting down trees, working on cars, installing sinks, painting houses, etc. etc. etc.

I say all this, not only to brag on my man, but to remind us all to let God turn every situation into good. Jon could have sat around eating ice cream and feeling sorry for himself, I sure would have. He could have spent hours a day watching TV or surfing the internet. But he redeemed this free time by using it well. I doubt he said "no" to anyone who asked him for a hand, and he rarely took any payment without putting up a fight. He wanted nothing more than to be generous with his time and skills while he had the chance.

As in Joseph's time, God can use the famines to bring about His purposes and His glory as much as the feasts. God is working behind the scenes to write a story which we can't even fathom. One we'll want to read again from the beginning once we know the outcome and begin to see why the characters developed as they did and why the plot unfolded just so.
 

Alas, this chapter of our story is coming to a close. Jon's Honey-do list is getting shorter, his few unfinished tasks have a deadline now, because he finally got to cross off "Find a Job" from the list! He went four months without an interview and in the past month, he's had three interviews and subsequently three offers. (Maybe his true calling  is to start a business training people for interviews!) After much prayer and consideration, he accepted the opportunity with the best long-term potential to satisfy him and help him provide for our family.

I'm not sure why God decided Jon should be available for a whole semester while Angie was in school and we were basically tethered to Louisville, and now start a position as soon as she's free for the summer and we have four vacations planned. But I'm sure He'll turn this around for good as well and I'll trust His timing even if it means missing a couple trips to Florida and Maine. I can't wait to see the story God's writing for our lives. Thank you for praying with us through this chapter!

I leave you with the beauty of this natural faux hawk.

One of the perks of unemployment--if your bedhead is this awesome you get to keep it all day!

Brattitude

I read early on in my parenting career that when your adopted child starts to whine you should be elated. It's a sign of the oh-so-coveted attachment you've been waiting for. It would appear, the author of Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child has never actually been a parent. She clearly sits in her cozy family-friendly therapy office and watches breakthroughs such as new additions whining to their novice moms and dads, and she jots down observations in her notebook about how wonderful it is to see little Bobby expressing his deepest desires in such an expressive way to the caregivers he's obviously now feeling close enough to that he can be vulnerable. 

Has this woman never heard the incessant nails-on-a-chalk-board high pitched repetition accompanied by the lower lip nearly dragging the floor, grating on your very last nerve?! The author did not discuss the tweenage version of whining much, i.e. mouthing off, sassiness, eye-rolling, unintelligible grunting, and general discontent with life when untethered from headphones or a screen.

I use the phrase "driving me crazy" in reference to a lot of things these days, so much so that Jon and I now have a running joke that I live just on the outskirts of Crazytown so it's not a far drive. Sometimes he comes to visit me and resides temporarily in the suburbs himself even though his tolerance is much higher than mine, partially because I am the object of said whining more often than not.

I don't know about you other parents, but I think I'd prefer irregular felonies, such as cheating on a test, maybe smoking some cigarettes, possibly even stealing something small-ish, to this constant barrage of shall we say misdemeanors, by which I mean brattitude. Our child's lower lip is in danger of getting trampled on. Her tone of voice indicates how she feels about having peabrains for parents. She will always get the last word.

Okay, I'm finished with the negativity now, I've got that off my chest. I tell you all this to confess that although her disrespectful peers and her confused adolescent state lead to much of this poutiness, I'm sure I could be a better role model myself. When I talk down to her, react quickly in a harsh way, or assume she doesn't know what she's talking about (all responses much more appropriate in my position than hers) I'm modeling this behavior. Jon and I enjoy a little sarcasm now and then, but there are often listening ears close enough to pick it up, but not mature enough to interpret it.

What's the solution? I have no idea. Friday, is our 3-year anniversary of Angie's Adoption Day and I feel like we've tried the whole gamut of strategies. Not without some success, we have dramatically decreased the felonies such as tantrums, broken belongings, and calls home from teachers. But the snottiness persists. This time, in honor of Mother's Day (and my own perfect example of a Mom), I think I'll turn my focus from correcting Angie's attitude to curbing my own. After all, it's the only one I really have any control over. In our house I'm going to try fighting brattitude with gratitude. And just maybe I'll spare myself a few visits to Crazytown. 

"Whether or not we like it, whether or not we understand it, it is kind of the Lord to demolish our confidence in our own strength, abilities, and cherished methods. True, it doesn't feel kind at the time. It's terribly painful to watch your beloved son turn from the faith or to hear that your daughter has been disruptive in Sunday school again. It crushes our hearts when we try and try to explain the gospel to our little ones and they stare back at us in boredom and resentment. Yet, it is a kindness when He strips us of self-reliance, because it is there in our emptiness and brokenness, that we experience the privilege of His sustaining grace."  

-Give Them Grace

The Frozen Gospel

Spoiler Alert!  

(Just kidding, I know I was the last one on the planet to see the movie, so there's no one left to be spoiled.)

To Angie's delight, Frozen finally came in the mail from Netflix. Don't worry, we didn't deprive her of the most popular thing since the Rainbow Loom for six whole months, she'd already seen it twice. I, on the other hand, had only heard some mediocre reviews from parents driven mad by the wild obsession over some ice princess, and of course I'd been subjected to countless parodies of the soundtrack on Facebook.

From the opening scene, I found the animation lacking compared to Pixar's beauties and even some of Disney's others such as Tangled, I was underwhelmed by the jokes, annoyed by the songs, and finding the whole storyline predictable. As I really listened to the most memorized and belted out song by kids in years, "Let it Go," I started to worry about the message mistakenly taken to heart by zillions of children: 

 It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me

Yes, those are exactly the words every parent wants stuck in their child's head!

 

Am I the only one who anticipated this lineup of couples for the finale?

But then Olaf appeared and the humor level rose a few notches. The love story I assumed would play out, did not come to the happily ever after double wedding end I'd naively predicted. And then I started to see Jesus all over the place...

The parenting book Give Them Grace has a thought-provoking chapter about pop culture and how to raise your little ones in this big scary world without confining them to a bubble or at the other extreme exposing them entirely to the unfiltered trash that pervades our media today. I love that instead of burning the books, movies, and music your kids friends will surely be talking about, they recommend you start looking with your kids for the one Good Story. 

"We want our children to know and believe the one good story. Every other story is a copy or a shadow of this... We want our kids to know the one good story so well that when they see secular characters they can recognize the strands of truth and deception in them. We want them to be able to recognize the great themes of the gospel: sacrificial love, the laying down of our life for our enemies... We want them to identify forgiveness, justice, redemption, and the fight against evil..."

I'm a total sucker for this. I saw Christ in almost every selfless loving move of Peeta from the Hunger Games as well as Harry Potter. And then I was suddenly so sure Olaf was going to be the next Jesus figure, sitting by the fireplace when he explained love as putting someone else's needs before your own. When he said "Some people are worth melting for," I had to wipe away some tears before Angie caught me sniffling. But again I misjudged Disney, Olaf did not give his life as the true love act Anna needed. 

I was so pleasantly surprised by the twist when Anna herself performed the act she was waiting for, the final of many Gospel themes throughout the movie.

You see, the Bible story was first hinted at when Elsa sang the chorus, "Be the good girl you've always had to be." And then it was played out as she realized she could not live up to the rules that had confined her for so long. In a classic Old Testament storyline, her character lived riddled with fear and guilt as she tried to live up to the impossible standards of the Law, until she finally came to understand just how futile that is. 

The turning point/hit song, "Let it Go" was Elsa's chorus of freedom from the chains of obedience that enslaved her. She let her hair down and took off the gloves in a symbolic gesture of leaving the Law behind. Unfortunately, she recognized the Old Covenant was more than she could fulfill before she learned the good news. So, she was left to wander alone in the wilderness for some time before the one who had been pursuing her with unrequited, unconditional love all along, her sister Anna, made the ultimate sacrifice for her. Finally, the true love act of one for another set Elsa free, free to live in the New Covenant of grace and love.

Anna's sacrifice for one who had done nothing but hurt her for as long as she could remember was further allegory that forgiveness heals the heart of the forgiver as much as the forgiven. And we mustn't forget the trolls' insightful number Fixer Upper, full of the lyrics our kids should be memorizing; detailing how everyone needs community, that none of us is really any better than anyone else, and that it's loving each other that polishes our imperfect edges.

Thank you Disney, for giving us a movie our kids want to watch ad nauseam, that we parents can use for some teachable moments, and be reminded of a few important lessons ourselves. Now, if you could just clarify to the children that they don't need to test our limits and scream "No right, no wrong, no rules for me," in order to be set free, they just have to know the love of their Savior...

"But now that we’re no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we’re free to live a new life in the freedom of God." -Romans 7:6 TM