From my last few posts it might seem like the Charles family should be auditioning for "Leave it To Beaver," but that's only because I refrained from blogging the week between all these good weeks where we had five tantrums, like Angie was going for her personal best or the Guinness record. The truth is, we have plenty of ups and downs around here just like all of you. But a couple things have indicated a trend for us toward more ups than downs.
Angie's almost paralyzed with fear by the thought of going somewhere she doesn't know anyone, or at least she was... A couple week ago I dropped her off at the FCA Superstars event alone on the bleachers of a gym surrounded by strangers, I returned in a couple hours to find her in almost the same seat, but by her side was one of the strangers she'd converted into a new friend.
Last Friday, we took her to Southeast Christian Church's 5th grade lock-in. Motivated by the chance to stay up ALL NIGHT, the rock climbing wall, a midnight concert, and did I mention no bedtime, she signed up to dive into the unknown, an adventure for anyone, but an often terrifying one for Ange. Again, we left her alone at the welcome dance party, and found her in the morning with a new friend, and the residual effects of the longterm brain freeze from the four bowls of ice cream she'd consumed.
But of course, Ruby was there to comfort her and help her catch some zzzs in the car.
The lock-in was a huge step for her confidence in new situations with new people, but also for her transition to 6th grade. In a brilliant move on Southeast's part, they loaded the soon-to-be-sixth-graders up on caffeine, pizza, sugar, and laser tag in the building where they'll be heading in a couple short months for the scary jump to middle school. It'd be nearly impossible for any kid to have a negative association with The Block, their new building, after all that partying!
As you can imagine, the day after was an unpredictable series of errands, stories, efforts to fight the drowsiness, cat naps, and the inevitable crankiness. Unfortunately, the bad mood didn't hit until the most inopportune time as we began to celebrate my aunt Jeanie's birthday. Jeanie is also her 5th grade Sunday school teacher, hence she knows as well as anyone how important it is that Angie start bridging the gap to 6th grade, as having Jeanie for her teacher in 5th grade has been the only way we've gotten her to attend class at all. So when Angie started acting up at Jeanie's party out of exhaustion, Jeanie* said in all sincerity, "It's okay, the lock-in was way more important than my birthday." It's support like this that's brought us so far.
I remember learning about various positive and negative feedback mechanisms in biology and physiology, but you don't hear about them much in behavior. Like clockwork, when Angie's insecure or out of sorts, she gets snappy and defiant, then I become harsh or impatient. And we both get hurt and closed off. Our responses to each other get shorter, our love tanks drain, I end up hoping we can make it to bedtime without too many wounding words and start over in the morning. This is the feedback cycle we've been living in for more than two years.
Since she's started to overcome her fears, her attitude's improved, and her behavior has followed suit. The peace that's come from having a more compliant child has affected us all. Our tones are softer, our words sweeter, our time together less strained. When she isn't a raging ball of eye-rolling sassiness, she's approachable, she's lovable. We spend hours together enjoying each other. And the time shared, the kind words, the unforced hugs fill her love tank and feed back into the positive cycle of joy in her life and in our home. I wish I could have given this love more freely when it was so much harder to give, when the cost was so much higher, when she was fighting me tooth and nail. If only I could have followed God's example and loved her better when she was less deserving, when love was a choice not a feeling, when it would have turned the cycle around. But I was not strong enough, I was not good enough. And now I pray that when the next storms come I'll remember this lesson that I should have learned from Christ, but had to learn for myself, that unrequited love is the only kind worth anything, and the kind that can change the world for the better.
*Actually Jeanie's husband Byron said it and Jeanie wholeheartedly agreed.
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