My Valentine Love

I really like words. I like to take words literally, to use them well, to read them, digest them, meditate on them. I don't like to waste them or abuse them. I'm not a "words of affirmation" love language because I think words are too freely given, too easily faked. I'm the kind of person who won't let the words "I love you," become the phrase you end every conversation with, because then it's really not left with any more significance than "goodbye."

So, I'm surprising even myself with how liberally I tell Angie I love her, and how much it means to me to hear it from her in English, Spanish, writing, repetitively, after a fight, before tucking her in, in the morning, on the way to school, anytime we feel it, and especially when we don't. Because the home we're building is not a family where special words must be saved for special occasions, but one where Ange feels safe from physical danger, secure to be whoever she wants to be, and loved unconditionally, and forever.

I've never doubted the idea to bring this Angel into my life was from God, but I do sometimes wonder if when I explain why I did it with the response "God asked me to," if I sound like I might be carrying a bomb or a box cutter.

Every day I grow more sure that God's planned our family from long long ago. This week I heard a sermon by Erwin McManus that confirmed my call in yet another way.

"If you don’t have a dream inside of you that is terrifying to you, that is bigger than you, that is inconveniencing to life as you have designed it, I don’t know if you have a dream that has come from God..."

"The dream that God has for us, often times, at first, feels like a nightmare. I think what we don’t realize is the dream isn’t for us. The dream that God gives us usually thrusts our life to become a life for others. It was Mary that God chose to be a single mom."

I remember leaving the lawyer's office after my first consultation about whether I was eligible to adopt, learning that I was, reminding myself to breathe. I remember trying not to hyperventilate in front of the judge when he told me that I'd have my daughter within a week. Repeating to myself, ""They need to think you're stable..."

This first Valentine's Day with the love of my life, I'm so glad God let me be a part of this. This morning she told me that when she's at school, she feels like I'm lonely at work without her and that makes her sad. How did we ever live without each other?

"I don’t want to ask you how big of a dream are you willing to carry in your heart but how big of a cost are you willing to carry with your life to bring that dream to pass?"